Three months into dating David, I was head over heels. He was charming, successful, and made me feel special. Then one night, his ex-girlfriend called me.
“I need to warn you,” she said. “He’s been texting me this whole time you’ve been together.”
My stomach dropped. But worse than the cheating? All the red flags I’d ignored along the way. The time he yelled at a waiter. The way he talked badly about every ex. His refusal to introduce me to his friends.
I’d seen all these warning signs. I just chose to ignore them because I was lonely and he was attractive.
That painful lesson taught me to trust my gut and recognize red flags early, before I got too invested. Let me share the biggest ones I’ve learned to watch for.
Why We Ignore Red Flags
Before I list the red flags, let’s talk about why we miss them:
We’re lonely: After being single for a while, we overlook warning signs because we want the relationship to work.
They’re charming: Many people with red flags are incredibly charismatic. They know how to make you feel special.
We make excuses: “He’s just stressed from work.” “She had a hard childhood.” We rationalize behavior that should concern us.
We’re optimistic: We think we can fix them or things will get better.
I’ve been guilty of all of these. But I learned that red flags don’t go away – they get worse.
The 10 Red Flags I’ll Never Ignore Again
1. They’re Rude to Service Workers
This was David’s first red flag. On our second date, he snapped at our waiter for bringing the wrong drink. When the waiter apologized, David rolled his eyes and muttered something under his breath.
I told myself he was just having a bad day. But then it happened again. And again.
Why it matters: How someone treats people who “can’t do anything for them” reveals their true character. If they’re rude to servers, baristas, or retail workers, they’ll eventually be rude to you.
What I watch for now:
- Snapping at staff
- Being demanding or condescending
- Not saying please or thank you
- Complaining constantly about service
- Not tipping appropriately
Green flag alternative: They’re kind and patient with service workers, make eye contact, say thank you.
2. They Bad-Mouth All Their Exes
David called his ex “crazy” on our first date. By date three, I’d heard about five different “psycho exes.” He was always the victim. They were always the villain.
Why it matters: If everyone else is the problem, guess what? They’re probably the problem. Also, how they talk about exes is how they’ll talk about you eventually.
What I watch for now:
- Calling exes “crazy,” “psycho,” or similar
- Blaming all relationship failures on the other person
- Still being obsessed with an ex (even negatively)
- Bringing up exes constantly
- Not taking any responsibility for failed relationships
Green flag alternative: They speak respectfully about past relationships, acknowledge what went wrong on both sides, have genuinely moved on.
3. Love Bombing Early On
Jennifer seemed perfect. After our second date, she texted me: “I’ve never felt this way about anyone. I think you might be my soulmate.”
It felt amazing. For about two weeks. Then she got intense, jealous, and controlling.
Why it matters: Love bombing is when someone overwhelms you with affection, compliments, and attention early on. It’s a manipulation tactic. Real love builds gradually.
What I watch for now:
- Excessive compliments early on (“you’re perfect,” “I love you” within weeks)
- Wanting to spend every moment together immediately
- Future planning after a few dates (“when we get married”)
- Grand gestures before they really know you
- Making you feel like you’re the center of their universe too soon
Green flag alternative: Affection and interest build naturally over time. They have their own life and interests. Compliments feel genuine, not excessive.
4. They Can’t Take Responsibility
I once dated someone who was never wrong. If we had a disagreement, it was my fault for being “too sensitive.” If he was late, it was traffic’s fault. If he forgot plans, I “didn’t remind him.”
Why it matters: Relationships require two people who can acknowledge mistakes, apologize, and grow. If they can’t take responsibility, you’ll always be the bad guy.
What I watch for now:
- Never apologizing or saying “I’m sorry, but…” (which isn’t a real apology)
- Blaming others for their problems
- Defensive when receiving gentle feedback
- Playing victim constantly
- Can’t admit when they’re wrong
Green flag alternative: They apologize when wrong, take ownership of mistakes, can hear feedback without getting defensive.
5. Inconsistent Behavior or Words
Michael told me he was looking for a serious relationship. But he was only available for late-night hangouts. He’d text constantly for three days, then ghost for two.
Why it matters: When someone’s actions don’t match their words, believe their actions. This inconsistency shows they’re either confused about what they want or deliberately misleading you.
What I watch for now:
- Says they want a relationship but acts like they want casual
- Hot and cold behavior (intense then distant)
- Makes plans but frequently cancels
- Says one thing but does another
- Inconsistent communication patterns
Green flag alternative: Their words and actions align. They’re consistent in effort, communication, and behavior.
6. They Isolate You From Friends and Family
This one’s subtle at first. Sarah didn’t tell me not to see my friends. She just got sad when I had plans with them. She’d make comments like “I thought you wanted to spend time with me” or “Your friends don’t seem to like me.”
Gradually, I saw my friends less and less.
Why it matters: Healthy partners encourage your other relationships. Controlling partners want you isolated and dependent on them.
What I watch for now:
- Gets upset when you have plans with others
- Criticizes your friends or family
- Makes you feel guilty for spending time with others
- Wants all your free time
- Discourages your hobbies or interests
- Checks in constantly when you’re with others
Green flag alternative: They encourage your friendships, want to meet your friends, support your interests, have their own friend group.
7. Financial Irresponsibility or Secrecy
Tom seemed successful. Then I noticed he was always “between jobs” or “waiting for a big paycheck.” He borrowed money constantly, never paid for dates, and was vague about his work situation.
Why it matters: Financial incompatibility or dishonesty causes major relationship problems. You need to know if someone is responsible with money, especially if the relationship gets serious.
What I watch for now:
- Constantly borrowing money
- Extremely secretive about finances
- No job with no plan to get one
- Excessive spending they can’t afford
- Expects you to pay for everything
- Bad credit they blame on “circumstances”
Green flag alternative: Financial transparency, responsible with money, contributes fairly to dates, has stable income or clear plan.
8. Quick to Anger or Aggression
The first time Mark got really angry, it scared me. We were in traffic, and someone cut him off. He screamed, pounded the steering wheel, and drove aggressively to “teach them a lesson.”
“Sorry,” he said after calming down. “I just hate bad drivers.”
I should have left then.
Why it matters: Anger issues escalate. Even if they never direct it at you initially, they will eventually. Aggression is a major red flag.
What I watch for now:
- Road rage
- Yelling when frustrated
- Punching walls or breaking things
- Aggressive behavior toward others
- Quick temper over small things
- Makes you feel afraid during arguments
Green flag alternative: They handle frustration calmly, don’t yell or break things, never make you feel unsafe, can discuss disagreements rationally.
9. They Push Your Boundaries
I told Jessica on our third date that I wanted to take things physically slow. She said she understood. Then she kept pushing – “just a kiss,” “just come up for a minute,” “why don’t you trust me?”
Why it matters: When someone doesn’t respect your boundaries, they don’t respect you. This applies to physical, emotional, and personal boundaries.
What I watch for now:
- Pushing for physical intimacy when you’ve asked to slow down
- Showing up unannounced after you said you needed space
- Reading your phone or demanding passwords
- Pressuring you to share things you’re not ready to share
- Getting upset when you enforce boundaries
- Making you feel guilty for having boundaries
Green flag alternative: They respect your boundaries without making you feel bad. They ask before assuming. They give you space when you need it.
10. Your Gut Tells You Something’s Off
This is the most important one. With David, Jennifer, Michael, Sarah, Tom, Mark, and Jessica, I felt something was wrong. I couldn’t always articulate it, but that uncomfortable feeling was there.
I ignored it every time. And every time, I regretted it.
Why it matters: Your intuition picks up on subtle cues your conscious mind misses. If something feels off, it probably is.
What I watch for now:
- That nagging feeling that something isn’t right
- Feeling anxious about the relationship when I should be happy
- Friends expressing concern
- Constantly making excuses for their behavior
- Feeling like I’m walking on eggshells
Green flag alternative: You feel comfortable, safe, and happy. Your friends and family like them. You don’t have that constant low-level anxiety.
Other Red Flags to Watch For
- They’re controlling: Tells you what to wear, who to see, how to behave
- They’re jealous without cause: Gets upset about normal interactions with others
- They lie about small things: If they lie about little stuff, they’ll lie about big stuff
- They move too fast: Wants to be exclusive after one date, talks about moving in together after a week
- They have no empathy: Can’t or won’t try to see things from your perspective
- They’re addicted: To drugs, alcohol, gambling, etc., and won’t address it
- They don’t have any close friends: (Could indicate relationship issues)
What I Do Now When I See Red Flags
I don’t make excuses: No more “maybe they’re just stressed” or “everyone has flaws.”
I trust my gut: If something feels wrong, I pay attention to that feeling.
I talk to friends: Outside perspective helps. If multiple friends express concern, I listen.
I don’t think I can fix them: I’m looking for a partner, not a project.
I leave early: I’d rather end things after a few dates than waste months or years on someone incompatible.
The Relationship That Taught Me
After all those failed relationships, I met Emma. No red flags. None.
She was kind to servers. She spoke respectfully about her ex. She took responsibility when she was wrong. She was consistent. She respected my boundaries. My gut said “yes, this person is safe.”
That’s what relationships should feel like. Not anxiety-inducing. Not dramatic. Just comfortable, safe, and genuinely happy.
Final Thoughts
Red flags aren’t just quirks or flaws everyone has. They’re warning signs of deeper issues that will cause problems.
Don’t ignore them hoping things will improve. They rarely do. Don’t think you’re being too picky. You’re protecting yourself.
The right person won’t show these red flags. They’ll make you feel safe, respected, and valued. Don’t settle for less.
Trust your gut. Watch for these signs. Leave when you see them.
Your future self will thank you.