The tears wouldn’t stop coming as I sat on my bathroom floor at 2 AM, my husband asleep in our bed after another rejected advance. “I have no sex drive and it’s ruining my relationship,” I typed into Google for the hundredth time, desperate for answers. The worst part? I still loved him deeply. I just couldn’t seem to want him – or anyone – in that way anymore.
If you’re reading this, chances are you’re in a similar dark place. You’re watching your relationship crumble, feeling broken, and wondering if you’ll ever feel “normal” again. I’m here to tell you what I wish someone had told me three years ago: you’re not broken, you’re not alone, and this can get better.
Can a Low Sex Drive Ruin a Relationship?
Let’s be brutally honest – yes, it can. But it doesn’t have to.
My relationship with Mark almost didn’t survive my year-long battle with zero libido. The pattern was soul-crushing:
- He’d initiate
- I’d feel panic rising in my chest
- I’d make an excuse or reluctantly go through with it
- We’d both end up feeling worse
- Repeat every few days
The real damage wasn’t just the lack of sex – it was everything that came with it. The guilt. The shame. The growing distance. The resentment on both sides.
Mark once told me, “It’s not even about the sex anymore. I just miss feeling wanted by my wife.” That broke me. I wanted to want him. I just… didn’t.
My friend Sarah went through this with her boyfriend. “He started thinking I wasn’t attracted to him anymore,” she told me over coffee. “Then he thought I was cheating. Then he just stopped trying altogether. We broke up six months later.”
But here’s the hope: relationships can survive this. Mine did. Sarah’s next relationship did too, because she handled it differently. The key isn’t pretending the problem doesn’t exist – it’s addressing it together.
How to Deal with Partners with Low Sex Drive?
If you’re the partner with low libido, you need to understand what your significant other is experiencing. When I finally let Mark explain his feelings without getting defensive, here’s what I learned:
It’s not just about orgasms “When you reject me, it feels like you’re rejecting all of me,” Mark explained. “Sex isn’t just physical for me – it’s how I feel close to you, valued by you, connected to you.”
This was a revelation. I’d been thinking of sex as this separate thing, but for him, it was interwoven with love, acceptance, and emotional connection.
Communication is everything The worst thing I did was avoiding the conversation. I’d pretend to be asleep, pick fights to avoid intimacy, or promise “tomorrow” knowing tomorrow would be the same.
When we finally talked – really talked – things began to shift. I used phrases like:
- “I love you and I’m attracted to you. My body just isn’t responding right now.”
- “This isn’t about you. I’m struggling with this too.”
- “Can we find other ways to be intimate while I work through this?”
There are solutions beyond “just do it” My doctor initially dismissed my concerns with “just have a glass of wine and relax.” I wanted to scream. If relaxation was all it took, would I be sobbing in her office?
We found other ways to maintain intimacy:
- Non-sexual physical touch (cuddling, massage, holding hands)
- Emotional intimacy through deeper conversations
- Scheduled intimate time without pressure for sex
- Exploring what did feel good without endpoint expectations
What If Your Wife Has a Low Sex Drive?
For the partners reading this, my husband Mark wants me to share what helped him cope:
Stop taking it personally (easier said than done) “I spent months thinking I’d become unattractive to her,” Mark admits. “Every rejection felt like confirmation that she didn’t love me anymore. When I finally understood it wasn’t about me, I could actually help instead of making it worse with my hurt feelings.”
Pressure is the enemy of desire The more Mark pushed, the more I pulled away. When he backed off and said, “I love you no matter what. We’ll figure this out together,” something shifted. The pressure lifted, and slowly, very slowly, some desire returned.
Become a detective, not a prosecutor Instead of “Why don’t you want me?” Mark learned to ask:
- “What’s changed for you?”
- “How can I support you?”
- “What feels good right now?”
- “What makes you feel loved outside the bedroom?”
Find other outlets This is delicate territory, but Mark started exercising more, pursuing hobbies, and yes, taking care of his own needs without making me feel guilty about it. He maintained his own identity beyond our sexual relationship.
My friend’s husband, James, put it this way: “I had to grieve the sex life we used to have before I could accept the relationship we had now. Once I did that, we could work on building something new.”
I Have No Sex Drive and My Boyfriend Is Mad
If you’re dating and facing this issue, the dynamics are often different. My younger sister Emma went through this with her boyfriend of two years:
“He took it so personally,” she told me. “He’d say things like ‘You were all over me when we first met’ or ‘You must not be attracted to me anymore.’ The anger made everything worse.”
The unique challenges in dating relationships:
- Less history to fall back on
- More insecurity about the relationship’s future
- Societal pressure that “young people should want sex”
- Fear of being labeled as incompatible
Emma’s boyfriend’s anger manifested as:
- Passive-aggressive comments
- Comparing their sex life to friends’ relationships
- Threatening to find someone who “actually wanted him”
- Making her feel broken or defective
“I finally told him, ‘Your anger is making this worse. If you can’t support me through this, maybe we shouldn’t be together,'” Emma said. It was a wake-up call. He had to choose: his ego or their relationship.
They worked through it by:
- Setting boundaries about respectful communication
- Finding a therapist who specialized in sexual health
- Exploring whether other factors (birth control, stress) were contributing
- Giving it a real timeline – “Let’s work on this for six months and reassess”
They’re still together three years later, with a much healthier sex life.
I Have No Sex Drive and My Husband Is Mad
Marriage adds another layer of complexity. You’ve made vows. You might have kids. There’s more at stake.
My husband’s anger phase was brutal. He’d make snide comments like, “Well, I guess that’s off the table forever” or “Must be nice to never have to worry about your partner’s needs.”
The anger masked hurt, fear, and rejection. When we finally got to couples counseling, our therapist helped us see that his mad was actually sad.
“I’m scared she’ll never want me again,” Mark admitted in session. “I’m scared this is our new normal. I’m scared I’m becoming resentful and I don’t want to be that husband.”
The turning point came when we both acknowledged:
- This was a medical/psychological issue, not a choice
- We were both suffering
- Anger was pushing us further apart
- We needed professional help
The homework our therapist gave us changed everything:
- No sexual touch for 30 days (took pressure off completely)
- Daily non-sexual physical connection (holding hands, hugging)
- Weekly check-ins about feelings, not sex
- Individual therapy for both of us
How Long Is Too Long Without Sex?
There’s no magic number, but research suggests:
- Average married couples have sex 1-2 times per week
- 15-20% of marriages are sexless (less than 10 times per year)
- What matters more is both partners’ satisfaction with frequency
For us, it had been eight months of maybe once a month, duty sex that left us both feeling empty. But everyone’s threshold is different.
“My breaking point was six months,” my friend Julia shared. “Not because I needed sex that badly, but because my husband wouldn’t even discuss it. The silence was worse than the celibacy.”
Warning signs it’s been too long:
- Growing resentment on either side
- Complete avoidance of physical touch
- Creating separate lives
- One partner considering affairs
- Depression in either partner
Remember: it’s not about the timeline; it’s about the trajectory. Are you working toward solutions or accepting defeat?
Does Lack of Sex Destroy a Relationship?
It doesn’t have to, but it requires both partners to be intentional. The relationships that survive sexless periods have several things in common:
They maintain other forms of intimacy My relationship with Mark survived because we doubled down on emotional intimacy. We started having deeper conversations, sharing vulnerabilities, creating new experiences together.
They address the root cause My lack of sex drive wasn’t random. Through therapy, I discovered:
- Unresolved trauma from my past
- Body image issues I’d been ignoring
- Hormonal imbalances from my IUD
- Anxiety that had been building for years
They seek professional help We saw:
- A couples therapist
- Individual therapists
- My gynecologist
- A hormone specialist
- A sex therapist
Yes, it was expensive. Yes, it was time-consuming. But divorce would have been worse.
They remember why they chose each other During our worst period, I made a list of why I fell in love with Mark. He did the same about me. We read them to each other. It reminded us that we were more than our sex life.
Long distance relationships do work?
Is Not Having Sex a Red Flag?
It depends on context:
Red flags:
- One partner’s needs are completely dismissed
- There’s no communication about the issue
- Other forms of intimacy have disappeared too
- Someone’s using sex as a weapon or control
- There’s cruelty about the situation
Not necessarily red flags:
- Medical issues affecting libido
- Stress or life changes impacting desire
- Postpartum challenges
- Medication side effects
- Trauma recovery
- Mismatched libidos with ongoing communication
My therapist explained, “A sexless period becomes a red flag when there’s no acknowledgment, no effort to understand why, and no work toward resolution.”
How to Make a Relationship Work Without Sex?
While working on restoring our sex life, Mark and I learned to maintain connection without it:
Redefine intimacy We expanded our definition beyond intercourse:
- Long conversations in bed
- Showering together without expectations
- Massage without it leading anywhere
- Kissing just to kiss
- Naked cuddling
- Reading to each other
Create new rituals
- Morning coffee in bed together
- Evening walks holding hands
- Weekly date nights focused on connection
- Weekend adventures
- Cooking together
Address practical needs We had honest conversations about:
- Masturbation (is it okay? when? where?)
- Physical affection boundaries
- How to handle arousal without pressure
- Whether to schedule intimacy attempts
Focus on the relationship’s strengths We made lists of what was working:
- Great communication (now)
- Shared humor
- Similar life goals
- Strong friendship
- Mutual respect
- Family bonds
The Path to Healing: My Personal Journey
Here’s what actually helped me reclaim my sex drive:
Medical interventions:
- Changed birth control methods
- Thyroid medication adjustment
- Hormone testing and balancing
- Treating underlying depression/anxiety
Lifestyle changes:
- Regular exercise (yoga especially)
- Better sleep hygiene
- Stress reduction techniques
- Dietary improvements
- Limiting alcohol
Psychological work:
- Individual therapy for past trauma
- Cognitive behavioral therapy for anxiety
- Mindfulness practices
- Body image work
- Exploring sexuality without pressure
Relationship work:
- Couples therapy
- Sensate focus exercises
- Removing pressure completely
- Rebuilding emotional connection
- Creating safety for vulnerability
It took 18 months, but my sex drive did return. Not to teenage levels, but to a place where both Mark and I feel satisfied and connected.
Hope for Others in the Same Situation
If you’re reading this at 3 AM, feeling broken and alone, please know:
- You’re not broken. Low libido affects millions of people. It’s often fixable.
- It’s not your fault. You didn’t choose this any more than someone chooses to have diabetes.
- Your relationship can survive. It takes work, patience, and commitment from both partners.
- Help exists. Medical professionals, therapists, and resources are available.
- You deserve patience. From your partner and yourself.
Three years later, Mark and I have a satisfying sex life again. More importantly, we have a stronger relationship because we weathered this storm together.
Your journey might look different from mine. Maybe medication helps. Maybe therapy is your answer. Maybe it’s hormones, stress, or something else entirely. The point is: don’t give up.
That night on the bathroom floor feels like a lifetime ago. I’m grateful for the journey, as painful as it was, because it forced us to build a relationship based on more than just physical attraction. We learned to love each other through difficulty, communicate through discomfort, and choose each other even when it was hard.
You can get through this. Your relationship can survive. And you might just come out stronger on the other side.
FAQs
Q: How long does it take for sex drive to return? A: It varies greatly. For me, it took 18 months of active work. For others, it might be weeks or years. The key is addressing root causes rather than just symptoms.
Q: Should I fake it to save my relationship? A: No. Faking creates more disconnect. Honest communication, even when difficult, builds stronger foundations than pretense.
Q: What if my partner won’t wait? A: A partner who truly loves you will work through this with you. If they can’t be patient during health challenges, consider whether they’re the right partner long-term.
Q: Is it normal to feel guilty? A: Completely normal. I felt guilty every day. Therapy helped me understand that guilt doesn’t solve anything – action and communication do.
Q: What if nothing works? A: Some couples realize they’re sexually incompatible long-term. That’s okay too. The goal is to try everything before making that decision, so you have no regrets.