Last weekend was the final straw. Tom canceled our anniversary dinner – the one I’d booked two months in advance – because his 28-year-old daughter Ashley “needed” him to help paint her apartment. She literally lives with her boyfriend who could have helped. But no, Daddy had to drop everything. Again. If you’re dating someone whose adult children always come first, you know this special kind of frustration. You love this man, but you’re tired of being the perpetual runner-up in his life.
Dating a man with grown children comes with unique challenges, but constantly playing second fiddle to adults who should be independent? That’s a whole different level of complicated.
Should Your Adult Children Come Before Your Partner?
Let me be clear: I’m not talking about actual emergencies or children with special needs. I’m talking about capable adults who still expect Daddy to drop everything for their every whim.
The traditional view says:
- Children always come first, no matter their age
- Blood is thicker than water
- Parents’ obligations never end
- New partners must accept their place
The reality I’ve learned:
- Adult children should be independent
- Healthy boundaries benefit everyone
- Partners deserve priority too
- Balance is possible and necessary
“My ex-husband still runs whenever our 30-year-old son calls,” shares my friend Linda. “His new wife left him over it. Some parents never learn to let go.”
Common scenarios that drive me crazy:
- Canceling plans because adult child wants to “hang out”
- Financial support while we budget every penny
- Daily phone calls that interrupt our time
- Adult children’s opinions mattering more than mine
- Every holiday revolving around their schedules
When Tom’s 26-year-old son needed a loan for the third time this year, guess whose vacation fund got raided? Not his precious son’s beer money, that’s for sure.
Should Your Grown Children Come First in a Second Marriage or the Spouse?
This is where it gets really complicated. I’m not Tom’s first rodeo – he was married for 20 years before we met. His kids (26 and 28) were adults when we started dating, but you’d think they were toddlers based on how he caters to them.
The expert opinion varies: Marriage counselors generally agree that spouses should come first in healthy relationships, regardless of whether it’s a first or fifth marriage. But add adult children to the mix, and suddenly everyone has opinions.
What I’ve observed in second relationships:
- Guilt drives many decisions
- Kids exploit Dad’s divorce guilt expertly
- New partners get labeled as “replacements”
- Boundaries are seen as betrayal
- Dad overcompensates indefinitely
“I’ve been married to Greg for five years,” says Rachel, “but his 32-year-old daughter still treats me like a temporary inconvenience. He enables it because he feels guilty about the divorce.”
The healthy approach (that Tom ignores):
- Spouse is priority, kids are loved
- Adult children respect new relationship
- Boundaries protect everyone’s sanity
- Guilt doesn’t dictate decisions
- Balance becomes the goal
Instead, I get Ashley calling at 11 PM because she “can’t sleep” and needs Daddy to talk. She’s 28. She has a therapist. She has friends. But no, Daddy answers every time.
Red Flags He’s Too Enmeshed with Adult Children
After three years of this, I’ve become an expert at spotting the warning signs:
Financial enabling:
- Paying adult children’s bills regularly
- Bailing them out of bad decisions
- Supporting their lifestyle choices
- Never saying no to money requests
- Sacrificing your shared goals for their wants
Tom paid Ashley’s rent for six months because her “job was stressful.” Meanwhile, we’re eating ramen and canceling Netflix.
Emotional enmeshment:
- Daily calls or texts required
- Can’t make decisions without their input
- Their moods dictate his day
- Rushing to solve their adult problems
- No emotional boundaries whatsoever
Practical interference:
- They have keys and use them freely
- Showing up unannounced constantly
- Expecting immediate availability
- Demanding attendance at everything
- Treating your home like theirs
Last month, Ashley walked into our bedroom at 7 AM on a Sunday because she “smelled bacon.” I was naked. She didn’t knock. Tom thought it was funny.
Relationship sabotage:
- Openly disrespecting you
- Competing for his attention
- Creating drama during your time
- “Emergency” calls during dates
- Refusing to acknowledge your role
His son literally asked, “How long is this one going to last?” at a family dinner. Tom laughed. I wanted to throw my wine.
How I’m Dealing with Always Being Second
Three years in, here’s what I’ve learned:
Setting boundaries (mostly failing):
- “No phone calls during dinner” lasted two days
- “Date nights are sacred” except when they’re not
- “Kids knock before entering” still working on this
- “Our vacation time is ours” unless Ashley calls
- “Financial decisions together” in theory only
Communication attempts:
- I’ve explained my feelings calmly
- I’ve yelled in frustration
- I’ve written letters
- I’ve suggested counseling
- I’ve tried the silent treatment
Nothing changes because Tom doesn’t see a problem. His babies need him. End of discussion.
My coping mechanisms:
- Venting to friends who get it
- Therapy for my sanity
- Planning solo activities
- Setting mental deadlines
- Building financial independence
“I gave my husband an ultimatum after five years,” confides Maria. “Couples counseling or I walk. His 35-year-old ‘baby’ had broken us.”
The Breaking Point
I’m writing this after another canceled plan. Tom’s daughter decided she needed him to go furniture shopping. On my birthday. The furniture store will be there tomorrow. My 40th birthday won’t.
Signs you’ve hit your limit:
- More resentment than love
- Fantasizing about single life
- Avoiding making future plans
- Feeling like a roommate
- Considering an ultimatum
Questions I’m asking myself:
- Can I do this for 20 more years?
- Will it change when they marry?
- Is this the example I want to set?
- Am I settling for crumbs?
- What am I really getting here?
What the Adult Children Think
I’ve tried befriending Tom’s kids. Ashley told me, “You’ll never be my mother.” No shit, Ashley. Your mother lives across town. I just want to date your father in peace.
His son is worse. He calls me “Dad’s friend” after three years. He “forgets” to include me in family photos. He schedules “boys’ nights” whenever we have plans.
Their perspective (as told to me repeatedly):
- Dad belongs to them first
- I’m temporary, they’re forever
- They were here first
- I’m breaking up their family
- Dad’s happiness doesn’t matter
The entitlement is breathtaking. These are adults with their own lives who still want Daddy at their beck and call.
When Love Isn’t Enough
I love Tom. He’s funny, kind, successful, and treats me well… when his children don’t need something. But I’m exhausted from always coming second to adults who should be independent.
Options I’m considering:
- Couples counseling (if he’ll go)
- Trial separation to gain clarity
- Accepting the status quo
- Setting harder boundaries
- Walking away entirely
“I left after seven years,” admits Janet. “His 40-year-old son still controlled our lives. Some patterns never change.”
Advice for Others in This Situation
If your boyfriend puts his grown children first:
- Recognize you can’t change him – Only he can set boundaries
- Decide what you can live with – Some accept it, others can’t
- Get therapy for yourself – You’ll need support
- Set your own boundaries – Even if he won’t
- Plan an exit strategy – Just in case
The Truth About Dating Parents of Adults
Adult children can be harder than young ones. Little kids grow up and leave. Adult kids who’ve been enabled? They’re lifers.
You deserve a partner who prioritizes your relationship while still loving his children. It’s not either/or – it’s about balance. If he can’t find that balance, you have to decide if breadcrumbs are enough.
I’m still deciding. But Ashley just texted Tom about needing help with her taxes, so there goes our weekend plans. Again.
For everyone else standing in the shadow of grown children who won’t grow up – you’re not crazy, you’re not selfish, and you deserve better than second place.
Update: I wrote this last week. Yesterday, Tom chose Ashley’s impromptu BBQ over my work award ceremony. I’m done. Some patterns never change, and I deserve someone who shows up for me.